


Starlight

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: A Panic Attack, Brief thoughts of suicide, M/M, Mentions of an OC, Self Harm, and, mentions of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 14:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2431796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"How is it up there?"</p><p>The stars were unusually bright, and the little boy picked one, hugging his knees to his chest and looking up at it. </p><p>"I feel weird. There's something cold in my chest."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starlight

"How is it up there?"

The stars were unusually bright, and the little boy picked one, hugging his knees to his chest and looking up at it. 

"I feel weird. There's something cold in my chest."

He was about ten, tall but fragile looking, and the eyes that stared up at the night sky were large and green. It was warm but he was wrapped in a blanket that he clutched to his chest.

"Can you hear me, Jack?" His lip trembled. "It's only been a week. Seven days. Mommy looks so tired and she and dad won't talk. She won't talk to anyone at all and dad looks angry. I think I'm supposed to be angry. All mommy has told me is that you were a good driver and it wasn't your fault."

He sighed, his small chest heaving. His breaths became shorter and shorter until he began to cry, tears rolling down his upturned face.

It was the last time he cried.

* * *

"You'd better be happy," the boy said one night, staring out the window. The shadows hid the black eye but his split lip was still visible. "The past two years had better have been good to you."

There was bitterness in his voice, though he hadn't even reached his teen years yet. But no tears fell, and his jaw was set as he stared up at the cloudless night sky.

"Dad's drinking, mom still won't talk. They both work and I go to school, then dad gets home and hits me. Mom doesn't, but she doesn't care either.  School is getting harder."

His eyes grew glassy and his face hardened at the feeling.

"I don't cry anymore either," he added, and then he slammed the window shut.

* * *

"Dad broke my arm. Then he threw your a stuff out, four years later. I hid your music, though, and I've been listening to it."

The upturned face was pale with underlined eyes. A bitter smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.  

"I don't really see Calum. Mom and dad don't want people around and I don't have many chances to go over and see him."

The knuckles gripping the window sill were white. "My chest is still cold. I'm so tired all the time, and I feel absolutely no motivation. I'm not being lazy, some days I just feel like I physically can't keep moving."

A sharp laugh burst out. 

"Except- I pulled your guitar out of the trash can before they picked it up. I'm teaching myself, and I always want to play. It kind of makes me _feel_ a little."

A sharp call interrupted him and he shut the window, looking at the star filled sky just once more before he turned and left.

* * *

"I'm supposed to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I don't know. I just _don't know_. I want to- I want to play music. Nothing else matters to me. I don't care about anything. But I can't- it's not-"

His eyes were wide, his breath coming in short gasps, and his hands were trembling violently. The shaking traveled through his body and he fell to the floor, drawing short, ragged breaths. His head hit the wood of the floor and he could only stare helplessly at the door as he shook. 

" _Jack_..."

When the panic attack finally subsided, he pulled his weak head up. 

"I'm a wreck. And- I'm scared."

Then he curled into a ball on the floor and stared at the wall.

* * *

"I hate Luke."

There was no more bitterness on his face- there was nothing there anymore. 

"Dad stuck around."

He sighed. 

"Mom remembers that I exist."

The stars were hidden by clouds, but he found one to look at.

"I'm okay."

His lips parted, but nothing came out for a moment. He closed his eyes tightly. 

"You're still alive."

Long fingers slid underneath sleeves and ran lightly over fresh cuts before digging in, revisiting the pain.

"Those are all lies."

He dug in harder, his eyebrows drawing to ether at the pain. Something flared in his eyes for a moment, though. 

"I need to apologize to Luke for being an asshole because I _do_ like him. Too much, but he won't now that part. Dad left seven months ago. Mom doesn't even make dinner for two people anymore."

He drew in a shaky breath. 

"And you're..."

His lips moved, but nothing came out. Finally he sighed and stood, climbing back into his window and shutting it. 

* * *

"I don't cut anymore. Calum found out." Deep breaths. "He wants me to talk to him, but I'm scared that I'll tell him by accident that- I think I'm in love with Luke. I think Calum knows anyway? But if he does, he knows not to mention it. Ashton joked about it once, but he hasn't said anything again. I don't think Calum will tell the other boys because I begged him not to and promised to stop.

"We're- we're getting somewhere. I think this is going to work. I think we can do something with this. But I'm scared."

His head bowed over his lap. "My chest is a little warmer, but it's still cold."

* * *

"We made it big, Jack. But I- I just fucked it up. Luke found out- he saw my arms. I made him cry."

For the first time in eight years, tears leaked out from under his closed eyelids, making warm trails on his cold face. He was on a hotel balcony, and the city lights blocked out nearly all the stars, but he found one to look at.

"I told him, Jack. I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut and I told him I love him."

He gripped the railing and looked down at the ground far below. "This is stupid," he muttered, wiping a hand over his face. "I'm talking to someone who can't hear me. I must be crazy."

He laughed bitterly through his tears. "You're dead! I might as well just say it."

The words catapulted into the sky in front of him and dropped onto the city. 

He wondered what it would be like to drop like that.

"My chest is freezing. My heart feels like it's made of ice and sometimes it hurts to breathe. I should just-"

"Just what?" came a voice, and he was behind him, blue eyes full of worry and blonde hair rustling from the wind.

"Never mind," he said bitterly, and Luke stepped toward him. 

"Michael..."

"It's okay," he said. "I won't jump. You can go."

Luke stood against the railing next to him. "Even if I believed you, it still wouldn't be okay."

His eyes were bright with unshed tears as he turned to face Michael, a hand outstretched that the other boy didn't flinch from.

"I can hear you," he said softly. "Talk to _me_."

Green eyes met blue and Michael shivered. Luke's outstretched hand splayed over his chest. 

"I'll make you warm," he whispered. "I promise."

When their lips met, Michael certainly felt warm.

* * *

"Hey, Jack."

The upturned face was more angular, the lips less red, and the eyes blue. The other boy was asleep, curled into his side on the grass under a tree. 

"Thanks for being there for him, even after you were gone."

He looked down at their conjoined hands, the other boy's wrist covered in silvery scars that shone in the moonlight. He ran his thumb over them gently.

"I don't know everything that happened, yet, but it doesn't matter. He's doing better and I love him."

He smiled up at the star directly above them. "I'll take care of him, I swear."

The star seemed to shine brighter, shedding light on the two boys pressed together on the ground.

 

                                ~~ _fin_~~  


End file.
